Ys—
Please use the blasted US mail I am asking you write to me at the address I gave you and put a stamp on it though I suppose you’ll have to find someone to get you a stamp maybe Gloria no definitely Anna will have a stamp I’m sure so many stamps in all denominations arranged by color and size. Do stamps have denominations? Is that what it’s called? Get a basic forever stamp and put it on an envelope with 736 North Coast Highway 97365 on it and put the damn envelope in the mail that’s what it’s for. I’m not worried about Sweetloaf being followed that ship has sailed they know where I am and it hasn’t become any more of a problem yet but give it time no it’s because of Sweetloaf himself. It’s because of how Sweetloaf thinks he owes us something because of how he thinks he has an obligation because you were his Queen and I was his fucking Duchess is just the stupidest fucking word can I just say that? Like Aviatrix or Editress. I was his Duke except I wasn’t everyone just acted like I was until they didn’t have to anymore only he still does Sweetloaf the way he looks at me sometimes it’s positively destabilizing sometimes like if in that moment I asked him if I asked so painfully over-it snarky-assed foulmouthed Sweetloaf to please if he wouldn’t mind just hopping off the balcony there go on break your leg well he’d do it without a moment’s hesitation when he looks at me like that.
Which is maybe thinking about it something you’re all too used to. I don’t know.
You told me You wrote me wrote me You wrote to me about Luys or I guess I should say I should write King Luys I mean but here’s the thing that I think I’m trying to get at which is I bet he never once gave you a look like that I mean I know now he never looked at me like that not once that ever you know reached his eyes.
But this is about Sweetloaf.
We have to let him go.
We have to let them all go.
I have a job now which isn’t working for my mother for free well room & board isn’t free but it sure as shit ain’t legal so maybe in a couple-four weeks I’ll have a new address to write to which I’ll keep you posted but for now please use the motel I’m telling you. But the job it’s one of the little gift and souvenir shops on the Bay Boulevard with a ridiculous name I won’t get right even if I read it off the sign and mostly I ring stuff up and make sure nothing walks out the door and it’s not that busy so far though to be fair it’s just my first day and a Sunday but still. I have some time to write to you.
When I got back from what did you call it that awful trip which I mean it was but it wasn’t? Awful? I was I thought I was I could have maybe I thought I would have to stay there forever and it was so terrible and desperately lonely but weirdly beautiful? so quiet? but when I finally that time fell back into into all of this fell back to you again the building our
sorry
The building our apartment that building at Hawthorne and 20th right at the tip-top corner of Ladd’s Addition it had all been painted brown dark brown and all the trim another brown just a shade darker which why would anyone do that with that color it literally looks like crap and I asked Bruno if he’d had it painted or what and he said he hadn’t but it could’ve been because he hadn’t had anybody paint it recently and not because he recognized the color it was as the color it had been if that makes sense which is why I asked you I was so fucking scared I had somehow come back to a different place where it had always been brown the wrong place but you knew you knew it was it was supposed to be white and green and I can’t even begin to tell you how how RELIEVED but that is such a small word such a limited word for what I felt in that moment knowing whatever had happened whatever was going on we were you and me going through it together.
But now I don’t even know what it would mean if it’s still brown or back to green and white or pink and fucking purple as Sweetloaf would say because it’s happening all around me every time I blink. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find out I actually have a job in a record store or the last Blockbusters or I don’t even know.
I think I will break it off here.
I am either going to shut up completely and never say anything at all or just unload everything Christ I could go on for pages and pages but Sweetloaf I am sure would want to get back so I should wrap this up. Write back to me when you have read this and give me an address to write to or a post office box or whatever and tell me who you are with now and how that is going and tell me that you
No, don’t tell me that. Tell me that you forgive me because I think more than anything else in the world that’s what I need to hear right now I do.
